I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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