Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
