im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
