fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
