I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
