i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
