im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
