He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
