I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
