I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
