It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize