Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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