you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
