Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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