I want to make a zoo with you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
