Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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