i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
