were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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