help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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