you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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