Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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