so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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