Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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