oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
