I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
