Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
