This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
