there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
