So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
