just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
