Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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