Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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