Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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