The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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