yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
