we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
