stop calling my apartment porn island.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
