I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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