Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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