I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
