Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
