Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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