god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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