There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
