My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
