how can u be prego again
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize