I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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