i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
