Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize