i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
