Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We need to get me chipped asap
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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