Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
