the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
