party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize