Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize