i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
