Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize