I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
